This is my new blog. My thoughts are only worth anything to a small amount of people. But hopefully God will use what I write to speak through me. Thats all that matters.
I believe that reality exists, inside and outside human experience. My frustration lies with the way man has interpreted reality. More-so within my own failed attempts to find understanding and truth, as it must come from God. But many have claimed to have received knowledge from God and have proven to be faulty. Many wise men have walked the earth (and some making significant impact), but just like all of men, they die. And with them dies their wisdom and understanding. They are either made into saints or devils. They become God to some and Satan to others. And I wish to be neither.
The most satisfying thing I will ever experience in this life is the end of it. I am not suicidal, but logical. This world has become evil and unfulfilling. In the end, I will find real peace and satisfaction, when I (creation), am re-united fully with my Maker (thank God, through Christ). But I see nothing else to desire in this life, only the coming of Christ, in whom is found true life. I want change, but dont have the authority, significance, or ability to make it happen. I find it hard enough to change myself, how much harder the world? Men have been alienated from the truth. Men hate God, they hate the very idea of truth. If it is hard to understand the truth as it is, then it is nearly impossible to change mans emotional tendency to despise the truth. This is something I have discovered.
It may be easier to lead the broken and battered, the lonely and outcast, the poor and awkward to God (after all, what else to they have to rely on)? The church (in American terms) provides a comfortable and safe place for strange people to find acceptance, which can be a very good thing I understand. But how difficult is it to lead the self-sufficient, socially accepted and intelligible person to Christ? Nearly impossible. Is this because true Christianity is not logically and intellectually acceptable? By no means. But Christianity requires a full surrender of self, an idea which this individual is not near willing to even entertain. Why do you think it is that Christianity is so vigorously opposed by the intellectual world? Because to these people, they are their own god. Yet these are the people that my heart contains the most sympathy for. The pride of being has become their blindfold. He who thinks he sees, is in reality blind (1 Corinthians 8:2). These people fear the truth because they know the truth is bigger than themselves. Hence the reason we all have “our own truths”, this idea that each person builds their own reality. Because we are too afraid to face true reality.
But I realize that trying to change the mind of a man is in vain without the power to change the heart of a man. I have had friends closer than brothers who’s wounded hearts I still have been far from able to change, who’s rebellion and near hatred for the truth of God has not been wavered. For this reason I have found even my most intimate efforts to be worthless. I feel for the young girl who thinks she has to give her body for approval and love. I feel for the kid who has to be at every party to feel fulfillment (although it is counterfeit fulfillment). I feel for the intellectual who has only his own pride to hold on to, and who hates the idea of their being a God. If only I held the power to take the blindfold, the dark veil off of the eyes of world. But I do not hold salvation in my hands, I can only tell you that it exists, and that it waits for you, awaits your surrender. A scary decision to make, but the only decision to make. Satisfaction is found nowhere else. True closure of existence lies where existence began. Can you truly tell me you have found satisfaction elsewhere? No, there is no rest, no peace for the wicked. Wickedness leads to chaos on every scale.
In the midst of all of this, I know there is but one path I can take. And that is to seek God, to seek His will and His truth. The greatest pleasure I have in this life is knowing Him. I believe it is because of His love for me that I have this innate love for others. But it is not a love that wants us to be friends. It’s not a love that wants you to feel good about yourself. It is a love that deeply desires for you to share in a real relationship with the God who lives. This is quickly becoming my reason for existing here; to do His will, to love and to be loved by Him.
I cant help but feel the way I do. I cant suppress this desire to have my friends, my family, the world reconciled to God. Until then, I find myself dwelling in the house of mourning. There is no difference I can make without God changing hearts as He has changed mine. I will keep praying that He does so. I will also be praying that He continues to change me to be more like Him, as I know that anything good in me comes from Him, and perfection is still far from me.